12.21.2008

I was so looking forward to this Christmas, but more and more it's looking like it will shape up to be nothing special. I haven't done any volunteer work this season, I haven't finished getting every one's gifts, I might not get to spend it with my boyfriend, my sister is upset, my best friend is upset, my baby girl is going to be out of town. I'm loosing things to look forward to. It will be a small, meager Christmas at best, my mom told me. That's okay though. Christmas is still my favorite anything. I still live for the dreaming I do Christmas night.

I always have doubts because you don't seem happy at home. I'm always afraid that will be our demise. I'm always wondering how long you'll be able to handle it, how long I'll be able to handle it. I hate seeing you like this. I hate not being able to get a hold of you, I hate not knowing what's going on, I hate uncertainty.

I want to say that I'll spend forever with you, I want to say that I never want to leave you, I want to say that you're the one for me, but my caution ... my caution, my logic, my nature, stops me. I can't think about the- well ... OUR future without feeling nervous and apprehensive. I've seen people bend and break and fall apart. I've bent and broken and fallen apart, and I know that if or when it happens to us, it's going to kill me more then anything ever has. I will admit that I cannot be without you. I will admit that I've given you my entire being, and it;s your to keep. I will admit that you're now like an extension to my body, a new arm, leg, hand, foot, a new pair of lungs, a bigger brain, a more excited heart. I am you as you are me, and I am not me without you. I've lost my ability to not need another person to hold me together. I've given myself to you, I'm completely vulnerable now, completely open and weak. Completely at your will. I'm so afraid this won't work. I want it to so bad. It all seems so impossible.
so, so, so, so, so.

I worry too much to truly live in the moment.
I'm too much of a coward, and I'm too much in love.

one, two, three.
Stay with me?