12.20.2008.II

I've tried for two months to help make it better.
and now everyone else is falling apart, too.
I have no words to say, nothing to give, and no
advice to guide you because you don't listen.
I can't make your situation better, anyone.
I can't try anymore. It's been killing me
for weeks now. All I have left to give is my
bony shoulder to cry on, and a hug.
Only you can fix it, only you can accept that
this is how life is and that it will get better.
It took you seventeen and a half years to
get into a serious relationship because the
previous seventeen and a half years,
you weren't old enough, you weren't ready.
Don't say fuck relationships because you'll
regret it the next time you date someone.
You're more mature now, you're older now,
then you ever have been. These next few
years will be full of changes and relationships,
but nobody is attracted to anybody who is
still hung up on someone else, that's why
they aren't looking. I love you more then
anything and anyone, best friend, and
this is not an attack, it's a breakdown.
This is what happens when I can't help
anymore, at all, except for offering petty
words and loving hugs. I want to make it
better, I want to make you smile, but you
don't ever want to talk anymore,
and when you do it's almost always to
rant about her, or school, or your family,
or something. I miss the spark in your eyes
and the smile in your voice. I miss you.
More then anything. I'm afraid to see you
now because I can't handle when you're
upset because it makes me want to kill
something, or someone, or anything.
I want to maul whatever does that to you,
but that's a bad idea, highly unrealistic.
I hate when you, and everyone else says
that I can't/don't understand. because I do,
I have been dumped and kicked and hurt
before, too, and I have moved on,
even though I felt like dying. That's how
I know that you will too, but you have to
want to. I don't even know where this
is going anymore. I'm full and overflowing
and spilling and leaking and breaking because
I've never not been able to fix it.
I've never not been able to help.
It makes me feel weak and helpless to not
be able to make you smile and make everything
just, go away. I wish I could.
I can't try anymore though. Everything
is getting to be to much, I can't strategize
and sympathize and plan and work and rant
anymore. My best friend, my sister, my boyfriend,
some of the most important people in my life,
and I can't fix what ails them. Great Job.