Dear baby brother,

Where have you gone? I don't know if I will ever have the courage to ask mommy what happened to you. All I know is that you're not here, and every year on February 21, mommy cries because she misses you. February 21, 1994, was the day you died. I'm not even sure when you were born, but I know it was close to then. You would be fifteen now, and I would be teaching you to drive stick shift like a real man. You would grow six inches in a matter of seconds because that's what happens to boys when they get older. You would have brown hair like the rest of us, all of us in our family, but your eyes ...

I will always wonder about your eyes. Austyn and I have brown eyes, mommy has hazel eyes, daddy has grey-blue eyes... I bet you would have had the most beautiful eyes ever.

I wish you were here. Austyn is going into middle school, and he needs a guy. Zackary is as close as he has to a big brother, and all though he does a good job of it, he will never be able to relate to Austyn the way you could have. I did my best to raise Austyn and be strict, but helpful, but parent's just can't do it like an older sibling, and older sisters just can't do it like older brothers. I love Austyn more then anything, and I just want him to grow up right and strong and independant, but I feel like I missed a beat somewhere and messed up. You would have done a better job then me, I bet.

I know you would be really protective of me. I can just tell. I bet you would have went on a hazing spree with each of my ex-boyfriends, and Zackary too. You would have liked him, he's sweet and he treats me and Austyn with a lot of respect. I bet you would be strong, or fast, like daddy or me. I'd have to beat those girls off with a stic-...Er, bat, I mean. (: I bet I would yell at you and criticize all of your friends. Actually, I KNOW I would do that, It's how sisters are.

Really, I just cannot wait until I see you. One day, whenever It's my time to die, I feel like I will see you. I think about you a lot more then people think; I've imagined every aspect possible of your life, and yes, I do talk to you still. At night, when i'm alone and sad, I sometimes tell you what's on my mind. When I'm really happy, I talk to you too. I tell you all the wodnerful things that I'm so excited for, bec ause I know you can hear me, somewhere. I just wish things didn't have to be the way they turned out to be. You would have fit in our family so perfectley, a beautiful bridge between Austyn and I, between our families.

You would have loved Mommy and Daddy. They are so easy going and they would have let you make mistakes and grow up on your own...with the occasional spanking, of course. Hey, it happens. I bet you and daddy and Austyn would have played football, or softball, or whatever daddy and Austyn play the most. He would have loved you both equally. You would have been his two special boys, which is something I'm sure only a father can understand. I am not entirely sure if I'm even conveying related trains of thought anymore; I do that when I'm thinking. I'm very sporadic.

I love you, Brandon. I miss you.

Big sister.