Go ahead aand tear me apart, tell me all my flaws, blam it on me and ridicule me. It doesn't even matter to me anymore, I've cried, raged, apologized, and I'm at peace with my mistakes. It's time to relax and start enjoying myself, and being optimistic because I'm out gallavanting with my friends. I'm not holding any grudges anymore.

I'm...sad. But, I'm okay. I'm trying to keep busy and keep smiling, and it seems to help a lot. I'm trying to use the time I have now to utilize work and means of contacting old friends to distract myself. I have to go into the bar every day to clean at three, and I clock in at four on mondays and wednesdays, and six every day other then friday. Work takes up the main part of my day, but we all know I don't sleep, so I have that going for me. People and places and money and getting things done. That's what I'm focusing on now. I still miss him dearly, but like he told me, I can either be sad that it turned out this way, or be happy that we are still friends. I am indeed happy that we can still talk. I still miss him though. My stuffed dog will have to do.

I HATE HAVING ALL MY BLOGS EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE LINKED TO MY OTHER WEBSITES. I CAN'T TYPE UP ANYTHING PRIVATELY, FMLFMLFML.

I don't even care though. Seriously. I don't.
I just want to grab my stuffed dog and sleep but I can't because I'm crying too hard because he gave it to me, and my hand is naked without his ring and I want to take everything and put it somewhere where it can be gone and out of my face until I'm over this, but I can't, because it's everywhere. Letters, pictures, messages, pictures online, gifts, flowers, notes, this-and-that's. EVERYFUCKINGWHERE. And I hate being alone but nobody is free and I hate crying but I can't stop and I hate this. I hate that I'm without him but I know that it won't work and it sucks and I'm a wreck and I don't know what to do or how to fix it and I just hate everything right at this moment because my head hurts and my nose is stuffed up and I'm alone and crying and cold and frustrated and just FUCKKKKKKKK.


DFGMJU RFYJG&UMNhgv,yhgm.,ikjusrfdhs.
GOD.

Back and forth, back and forth.
I get so scared, so nervous, so restless at night, thinking about things. I used to do this all the time, then I stopped, and now I do it more. Whenever I'm alone. I don't write anymore. I don't make art that means anything. I'm too scared of the outcome. I want to spend forever listening to the sweet sound of a cello and writing, writing, thinking.

So scared.
I love a boy, but I want to fall back into the passionate, writhing love I was in before. I feel like now I'm more in a sort of...comfort love? I'm uncomfortable with the notion and I don't like/want/intend to talk about it because it makes me stutter and mix up my words. I don't know how to make myself fall out of love, or back into a more deep kind of love. We're too young to have to worry about this, well, to have to worry about me worrying about this.

I intended to start writing this and not stop until I felt everything was better, but I can't make it better by writing about it.

taking everything
step by step

I wish I had read that five minutes ago before I called you.
Way to tell me you're not mad when you clearly are.
If that's the case then let me spell this out for you.

I live with my best friend.
It's new and it's an adjustment.
If you can't deal with that, then fine.

Find someone you can deal with,
I obviously can't make you happy anymore.

Dear Zackary.

I love you lots. (:
My great gams sent you a present and money for Christmas,
so we must seem serious to them at least. haha. :D
I hope you gout your new phone today, as planned.
I'm relaxing, then opening a few presents more,
then getting ready to go to work. I don't know if Heather
is coming or not, cause she may or may not still be sick.
Anyways, just wanted to ask if it would be okay for you
to call me tonight while I'm at work because I miss you.
Love you mostest.

Love, Devon.